Thank You Letter

Dear God:


I just wanted to thank you today for all that you have done for me.  I know that yesterday I was pretty cranky and that I questioned you a lot on your plan for Spencer to stay behind while Cole and I go to LA.  I also know that my relentless nagging on what Your plan is for Cole in LA and my infatuation with needing to know each and everything you have planned for my family for the next year is probably starting to get on your nerves.  So, I want to take this time to show my complete gratitude to You for ALL you do for us and to give You all the praise.


First, thank you for my quiet time this morning on the deck, just You and me.  I loved reading my devotionals and listening to the birds. I am so grateful for Ellen Miller who penned "Inspiration for Girlfriends" and for Sarah Young who You inspired to write "Jesus Calling".  These two women have opened my heart and my eyes to Your vision for me and my duty to my family and friends.


I also want to thank you for blessing me with a wonderful and loving husband.  He has the patience of Job, but obviously You knew that when you arranged our marriage.  Not just anyone could be married to me and last for over 20 years.  He works so hard but never hesitates to spend time with the boys and I.  I love him more today than the day we married and I pray that you bless us together for many years to come.


Words cannot express my overwhelming gratitude for entrusting Brad and I to be parents to Spencer and Cole.  I know sometimes I question You about your vision for what is best for the boys but when I stop questioning You, I know in my heart of hearts that Your plan is the right plan and I need to listen.


My heart swelled with pride today as Spencer's boss told me he did a "fabulous" job and he came to the car after his second day at work with a huge smile on his face.  I love his determination to conquer anything You put before him and his love of learning.  His love of all animals is such a common thread between us although for the life of me, I can't understand why he loves snakes.  Really?  I know You have BIG, HUGE, ENORMOUS plans for his life and the impact he will have on others and he is the perfect example of your miraculous healing.  Thank you just does not seem enough.


Then there is Cole, who acts so much like me and, at first, I really questioned Your judgment on this.  I mean, you do remember how I was as a teenager, don't you?  Thankfully, Cole doesn't seem to have that streak of rebellion that I did and I hope to never see it.  I laugh so much when I am with him and I love his tender heart.  He cares so much for people and for their feelings.  His heart is full of Your love and I could not be prouder of him.  I know that You have BIG, HUGE, ENORMOUS plans for his life and the impact he will have on others.


Finally, thank you for my family, my friends and the opportunity to live this amazing life with which You have chosen to bless me.  It is not always easy, it is not always what I would have chosen...BUT I know that You are always beside me guiding me through the good times and the bad.   I pray that I praise you more and disappoint you less, that I thank you every day for my amazing gifts and that I am all that you have chosen me to be.


I love you so much,
Marilyn

New Job, New Plan

I feel sorry for my family when we are planning a trip because they know that the day before we leave, I turn into a Tasmanian Devil on steroids.  I absolutely lose all self-control and go totally nuts trying to get everything done.  All you see are things flying through the air and children and animals running for cover.  It is not a pretty sight.

Today was no different.  With the impending departure tomorrow morning, my wackiness kicked into high gear at 7:00 a.m. and didn't stop.  Why oh why do I stress so much over a trip that we have now taken four times?  Crazy.

Today was also Spencer's first day at his new job and I am sure that had nothing to do with my craziness (yeah, right).  He will be working three days a week at Energy Masters, Brad's heating/ac subcontractor.  Spencer is working in the office and learning all things officey....filing, answering the phone, computer work, etc.  I am so happy that he is working with Ricky and Charlotte because they are just the nicest people and if anyone is suited to teach Spencer the ropes, these two are.  He had a great first day but being the perfectionist that he is, he was discouraged that everything didn't go perfectly.  Of course, of all my bad habits, he definitely inherited this one from me. :(

Charlotte and Spencer.  Don't you love Spencer's office "uniform"?!  I am sure a lot of sports talk will take place in the office, especially since Ricky and Charlotte are HUGE Razorback fans!  

Cole spent the day at Wild River Country with his friends Robert and Chase.  From there, they went to youth at church and then out to eat. When I picked him up at 9:00 p.m. tonight, he was so exhausted but he had such a huge smile on his face.  Today was ranked as one of his best days ever!  Wow!

I have a feeling this darling will be sound asleep in five minutes.

We have decided to postpone leaving for LA until Friday morning.  With Cole being gone all day today and Spencer starting his new job, I felt that one more day at home would make everyone feel more settled (translation:  one more day at home is better for Mom).  We have to be back in LA by Monday afternoon so even leaving on Friday will get us there by Sunday night.  I feel much better about our revised plan.

Thank you so much for my e-mails and phone calls about yesterday's blog post.  It makes me feel so much better knowing that y'all have experienced similar situations and you SURVIVED!  Yippee, so glad there is hope!

I am banning my "crazy" self tomorrow and hoping for a calm, cool and collective day in preparing for our trip.  Wish me luck!

"Kind words are like honey -- sweet to the soul and healthy for the body."

~Proverbs 16:24

Choices

I have never been someone who has a gift for making choices.  I hate to have to weigh pros and cons to choose between this or that.  If I like both, I choose both.  If a pair of shoes looks good in black then you know you should also buy it in gold.  Easy.  No choice to make.

When Spencer first told me that he was choosing to stay home instead of accompanying Cole and I to LA, I wanted for him to do as I would have done...choose to do both.  Spend time in LA during the "peak" months for acting and then come home with us for the holidays. 

But as Spencer reminded me, acting is not his career choice.  His logical take on the whole situation completely blew me away and, of course, made me cry (when do I not cry?).

Spencer:  "Mom, y'all are in LA for Cole's career and now it is time for me to focus on my career.  I am going to be in 10th grade and I cannot go into college knowing next to nothing about coaching."

Me:  "Um hmm."

Spencer:  "So, I am going to stay here when you go back to LA and in addition to getting a job, I am also going to be the student assistant to Coach Helm (football coach) and Coach Hogue (basketball coach).  I have set up a meeting with both of them."

Me:  "Uh huh."

Spencer:  "This will be a chance for me to learn to live on my own since Dad will be gone all day and for me to learn to do more things independently."

Me:  "Why do you have to be so logical?"

Spencer:  just smiles.

I am so glad Spencer and I had this conversation three weeks ago because it has taken every second of these past 21 days for me to come to grips with leaving him here.  For the past 13 years, I have had to be there to do almost everything for him.  Almost from the beginning of the diagnosis of his brain tumor, his disabilities far outweighed his ability to do many things children his age could do.  But, that's not the case any more.  God has blessed him so abundantly that before me now stands a handsome sixteen-year-old who is comfortable in his own skin and eager to start a new adventure.

I am not sure if it was Brad who suggested it (probably subliminally while I was sleeping) but this is a great time for Spencer to gradually gain independence and also a great time for me to spend one on one time with Cole and for us to participate in activities that we haven't done.  Cole and I do not go to amusement parks, restaurants, etc. because Cole didn't want to leave Spencer at home alone all day while we went out and had fun.  Have I mentioned that I have two amazing children?!

Cole is excited about heading back to LA.  Spencer is excited because he starts his new job tomorrow (more on that later).  I am excited because I am blessed to witness two young men becoming wonderful adults.  I guess choices aren't always bad.

But I still can't choose between shoes.

I had to buy the strappy heels AND the comfy flip flops.  It's a hard life I live!

"A time to cry and a time to laugh, a time to grieve and a time to dance."

~Ecclesiastes 3:4

Memorial Day

What an awesome three day weekend we had...so relaxing.  Brad and Cole decided last Thursday that they wanted to go to the lake.  Last Thursday.  The Thursday before Memorial Day.  Ummm no.  I checked a couple of places in Hot Springs and Eureka Springs and, of course, there was nothing available.  Plan B.


Instead, we spent the long weekend at the Leawood pool and getting items checked off the honey-do-list.  With all four of us working in the yard, we had the yard mowed, flower beds weeded and everything blown off in under two hours!  New record.  We also rearranged furniture and culled a lot of household items that are no longer any use to us but could be used for someone starting a home.  We have donated a truck load of furniture to the Boy Scouts for their annual rummage sale and a storage locker full of building materials to Habitat for Humanity.  Wow, it feels good to get rid of stuff that can help someone else.


Sunday afternoon we made time for a little fun by going bowling.  Oooh, I forgot how good Brad is at bowling.  Needless to say, he creamed us all.

So cute.


After bowling, we headed to Dickey Stephens park to get a great view of the fireworks.  We got there when they opened the gates (6:30) and then had a couple of hours of fun before the show.


The boys played this crazy game where they stand in the outfield with a huge net and try to catch balls that guys were sending their way with a huge slingshot.

Cole caught one....

....and so did Spencer!  Awesome!


Brad and I played the World Championship Egg Toss.  Uh huh.  Egg.  As in raw.  I tied a towel around my neck so I wouldn't get icky egg on my favorite blue shirt.  However, Brad should have been the one with the towel because on our second toss, he got splattered!  Yuck!  So much fun.


The fireworks did not fail to disappoint.

Beautiful.  Aren't we so blessed to live in a country where men and women serve every day to keep us free.  Thank you just doesn't seem enough.


The next few days will be crazy as Cole and I get ready to go back to LA.  I hope you had a relaxing weekend.


"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!  His faithful love endures forever"
~Psalm 136:1

Texas

I made a quick trip to Jefferson, Texas on Tuesday so I could drive my Mom and Kermit to his dad's funeral.  The service was so nice and even though the circumstances were sad, it was great to visit with people that we hadn't seen in so long.

My Aunt Marilyn and my cousin Leslie came to the funeral and we all stayed in the most adorable Bed & Breakfast, the Hale House Inn.  Jefferson is full of rich history with so many of the homes being on the National Historic Register and over 60 B&B's in this town of only 2,100.

Each room of the Hale House Inn has a different theme.  I stayed in the "Southern Comfort" room which was a-d-o-r-a-b-l-e.

No the best picture but definitely one of the most comfortable beds I have ever slept in.

Loved my claw foot tub.

My favorite spot was sitting on the porch and enjoying the peace and quiet.

Timm and Karen Jackson, the owner's of Hale House, were incredibly nice and offered us a fabulous breakfast Wednesday morning.  It's a good thing I don't eat that way every day.  If you want to find out more about the Hale House Inn, you can go here.  If you are interested in the history of Jefferson, this is a great website.

I got back in town last night just in time to pick up Cole from youth and head home.  I am so thankful I was able to take Mom and Kermit and so grateful we had a safe trip.

I can't believe this weekend is Memorial Day!  The year is already almost half over.  Before we know it, it will be time to start Christmas shopping.

Do you have any exciting plans for Memorial Day?

"But I will strengthen you with my words; comfort from my lips will bring you relief."

~Job 16:5

Revised Schedule

We had such a great weekend.  We definitely needed a weekend of downtime.  On Saturday, we headed to the movies.  Spencer went to see "Battleship", Cole and Robert saw "Dark Shadows" and I went to see "What to Expect When You're Expecting".  There is no doubt in my mind that people all over the Promenade heard me laughing.  In fact, I laughed so hard that I couldn't catch my breath and when I did, I started crying!  It was great!!!  No, really, it was!

Sunday was church and then a thorough cleaning of the house.  I have announced to my family that as of this evening, everyone, including the animals, will need to shave ALL body hair and be hair free for the rest of their lives!  I am tired of vacuuming up enough hair to stuff several large throw pillows.  I realize that the hair that I am scooping up is from the dogs and cat but I'm not taking any chances.

I gave the boys the job of giving Rusty a bath when he showed up filthy after a romp in the pond.  He is so patient and they did a great job.

We found out this past week that Cole has been accepted to a great acting academy for the month of June.  Soooooo, we will be leaving May 31st and heading back to LA for month of June and part of July. Without Spencer.  Insert sob.  I will have to blog about that later.

This week is already promising to be a crazy one so I am headed to bed.  I hope you had a great weekend.

"God is love."

1 John 4:8

No Plans this Weekend? What?

Brad and I were catching up last night after this crazy week and realized we have no plans this weekend?  What?  Every day has been packed since we got home from LA so I think we were both surprised that we have no agenda and no commitments.  I bet you even heard our collective sigh of relief.  What a great feeling.

Even Rusty is enjoying our downtime.

I got to spend the day yesterday with my mom.  She is having abdominal pain (just like I did in January) so she was having some tests to try to pinpoint the cause.  After her tests, we ran errands and then went to Cantino Laredo to eat the best Mexican food on earth!  I appreciate prayers for her for complete healing and for good results.

Cole had two friends spend the night last night so our house is filled with the sound of boys who are quite boisterous!  I love it!  Looks like we will head to the movies today and then grill tonight.  Ahhh, I love a little break.

Any big plans for your weekend?

"Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other."

~Romans 12:10

Strange Driver at the Wheel

My first thought was, "Who is this person and why is he sitting in the driver's seat?"

Honestly, when I think of Cole driving, I think of him driving his Cozy Coupe, not my car!

Time does go by way too fast.

"Come children!  Listen to me!  I will teach you what it means to fear the Lord."

~Psalms 34:11

Productive Monday

I woke up at 6:10 a.m. thanks to the dogs who were going absolutely crazy for their breakfast since Brad was already up.  It is impossible to sleep late in the Ewing house.

I have known for two weeks that once we made it home, one entire day would have to be devoted to paperwork.  Brad is a man of many talents and has juggled bachelor life remarkably well but there is only so much the guy can do.  I was determined that today was the day.  After coffee and my morning devotional I dove in to my pile.  Seven hours later, my huge pile was divided into much smaller and succinct stacks.

In addition to paperwork, I also washed clothes, bathed both dogs, corralled the cat (who snuck out of the yard), disposed of a dead bird in the yard, cooked dinner on the grill and went for a walk with the fam this evening.  Thank goodness I take good vitamins.

I'm headed to bed early because Spencer has an orthodontist appointment at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.  8:00?  Really?

Did you accomplish anything today?

"This is the Lord's work.  We consider it amazing!"

~Psalms 118:23

Happy Mother's Day

We celebrated Mother's Day at our house yesterday.  It was wonderful to have everyone over here.

We all took a walk after lunch.  The weather was perfect.

Aunt Martha, Spencer and Mom.

And then we got the whole gang together.

We even got Rusty in the picture!

It is great that we have one whole day set aside for thanking our Mom's for all they have done and will do for us.  But how can we thank our mom in just one day?  For all the sacrifices, the lost hours of sleep, the worry, the pain....no, there's no way that even in a thousand years, I could repay my Mom for all she has done for me.  She was a very disciplined Mom (but with a child like me you would have to be) but also a very loving one.  Now, she's also one of my best friends.  I am so thankful that my children are blessed to call her Grandma.

It's also great that I have my Grandmother, Gigi, to share with my boys.  Grandmother's are the best; such wisdom, love and stories to tell all day.

We also remember the Mom's that are in Heaven celebrating this day.  Nana was the best mother and mother-in-law.  I wish my boys had been able to know her and spend time with her like they do Mom and Gigi.  They were the light of her world.

I hope you celebrated your mom or your children doted on you this weekend.

  "Her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband also praises her"

~Proverbs 31:28

My Friend, Doubt

Doubt.  One of the most destructive words in my vocabulary.  I sometimes let Doubt ruin so many things:  a beautiful day, a trusted friendship or more often, my self-esteem.  Lately, Doubt has made his way into my head and stayed there over an area that troubles me more than anything else.  My son, Spencer.


I think I know what happened.  Everything was going so well that I got lax in my prayer time about the specifics that God wants me to talk to Him about.  All my fears, frustrations and most importantly, Doubt.


I can't put my finger on exactly when it happened.  All I know is one morning I woke up with total PANIC in my heart over all the things Spencer can not do.  The list was running through my mind like a ticker-tape and would not stop.  I was gripped with so much doubt that I started sweating and got sick to my stomach.  My old friend Doubt was back and was making himself at home.


For weeks, I have treated Doubt like a bad boyfriend.  I let him in and then I'll kick him out; back and forth the see-saw goes.  I'll spend quiet time in prayer and feel better and an hour later, I'm holding hands with Doubt and making plans to spend the day with him.


Of course, Spencer is oblivious to my relationship with Doubt.  As usual, Mr. Amazing Spencer is making plans on hanging out here in Little Rock this summer and finding a summer job.  He thinks this is only logical because all 16-year-olds have jobs.  And not only is he actively seeking a job but he is excited about it.  Doubt does not camp out at Spencer's doorstep.


Today, Spencer had an ENT appointment with Dr. Richter to follow up on his laryngel reinvervation surgery that he had last November.  Dr. Richter told us at the time of surgery that most patients see improvement in the quality of their voice within the first 2-3 months and definitely by 6 months out.  To Brad and I, we really have seen no improvement.


Of course, Doubt was waiting for me when I woke up this morning, he ran with me during my morning run and was standing beside me as we sat in the examination room.  All the frustrations of Spencer not having a strong voice and not being able to eat bubbled to the surface and as the Resident was asking questions about our appointment, I started crying.  Not just a tear or two but full on, waterworks galore with my nose pouring and heaving as well.  One minute I was fine and the next I was using hand towels to mop at my face and shirt.  The Resident was startled and clearly did not know what to do; Spencer ignored me and kept answering the questions.


Dr. Richter decided to scope Spencer (through his nose) to see the surgery site where he connected the new nerve to Spencer's   paralyzed vocal cord.  As we are waiting for the numbing agent to take effect, I suddenly felt this overwhelming peace.  I sat and watched Spencer talk with the doctor and the resident and I saw, for the first time in a long time, what an amazing young man he has become.  He is so at ease with these professionals and always puts those around him at ease.  He is funny, articulate and patient.  God has already used him to make a difference in so many people's lives and will continue to do so.


I just ask God to show us a glimmer of hope as a result of the surgery.  Something positive.  Anything.


As Dr. Richter is looking at the surgical site, you hear a catch in his voice and then he gets so excited.  On the monitor you could see the right vocal cord that was previously paralyzed, is moving!  Not a lot but there is definite movement.  Dr. Richter had everyone coming in to look at it and they were all amazed.  


What this all means, well, we just have to wait and see.  Dr. Richter said that obviously Spencer's body is taking longer to respond to the surgery because of the extent of his damage and the number of years the vocal cord has been paralyzed. We have an appointment to see him again in December to re-evaulate.


I L-O-V-E when I lock Doubt outside the door and trust God.  He always come through.


When we got in the car, Spencer said, "Mom, do you want to know my philosophy on expectations?  Keep your expectations low and when something happens, you are surprised.  If you don't expect anything, you can't be disappointed when it doesn't happen."


I am thanking God tonight for our glimmer of hope and for trusting me enough to be Spencer and Cole's mom.  And I am working on making my relationship with Doubt non-existent.


"That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life - whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear.  Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing?  Look at the birds.  They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them.  And aren't you far more valuable to Him that they are?"
~Matthew 6:25-26

Cleaning Cahuna

I hit the ground running this morning at 6:30 a.m. and didn't stop until this afternoon at 4:00.  I was a woman on a mission; a mission for cleaning.

Remember I told you that Brad and Cole brought back lots of stuff from Florida?  Well, those boxes have been sitting in the living room floor since we unpacked the U-haul and I was tired of looking at them. I unpacked 11 boxes of china, stemware and serving pieces; washed, dried, folded and put away four loads of laundry; put more items on Ebay for sale; cleaned out my closet and the laundry room and gathered a box of clothes to donate to Good Will; cleaned out the boys' homeschool material and organized the ones to list on Ebay, and returned phone calls and e-mails.  I sweated, huffed, puffed and sweated some more but it felt SO GOOD to get it all done!  Yeah!

In the midst of organizing the mud room, I found a brand new pair of running shoes that Cole wore twice and has grown out of but they fit me!!!

Cole's growth spurt just saved me some moolah!  Another yeah!

I love a day of accomplishments.  Did you have a productive day?

"My child, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments."

~Proverbs 3:1

Crazy Days

I am so sorry to be delinquent in letting you all know that Brad and Cole made it home safely from Florida.  After the third e-mail this morning asking said question, I thought I should let all inquiring minds know!  YES, they are home safe and sound!  We had a big reunion in the front yard with the dogs dancing around us while we all hugged and kissed.  I love love love that all my "little chicks" are back under the same roof.

The boys didn't come home alone.  Accompanying them was a 16 foot U-Haul trailer filled with precious memories from our house in Florida.  I say it was "our" house but long before that, it was home to Nana and Grandpa Ralph.  They moved into the house in 1988 and we have been going there two or three times a year ever since.  As soon as we opened the trailer, the familiar scent of Florida hit me like a ton of bricks and brought tears to my eyes.  I loved that house.  Brad proposed to me in that house.  We had our engagement party there.  So many memories.  As I have been unpacking today, it has been great recalling all the fun times Nana and I had cooking and spending time together.  She was a wonderful lady.

Spencer is feeling MUCH better.  I had to get him out of the house today (he hasn't been anywhere in over a week) so the boys and I went to the movies to see the Avenger's.  It was great to get out and to see him feeling good and the movie wasn't bad either.

Gigi is also feeling better and has gone back to her apartment.  She had her check up on Monday and got a good report from her doctor so off she went.  You can not hold that woman down.

Looking forward to a quiet rest of the week which means it will probably get crazy!

"I will praise the Lord as long as I live."

~Psalm 146:2  

Purging

I walked into the attic last night with one thing on my mind; finding a shower chair for Gigi to use while she is here recuperating.  I thought I knew exactly where it would be...on the far wall by the suitcases.  It wasn't there but there sure was a whole bunch of "stuff" that I didn't remember being there.  If I have been gone for the past three months, where did all this clutter memorabilia come from?

After a long walk this morning with my friend Lisa, I decided that it was time to do something about the attic.  No, not just stare at it and hope that it would clean itself up but really make some serious decisions about what needed to stay and what needed to find a new home.  So, I stormed the attic with my trusty sidekick (Spencer) and the determination to whittle the loot down to only the essentials.

After five hours (yikes!), I gathered a pile of over 50 items looking for a new home and I am happy to report that Craigslist is now teeming with all kinds of things from the Ewing household.  I thought I would give it a couple of weeks to see if anything sells and if they don't, I know that The Dorcas House or Our House will appreciate the donation.  Either way I will get it out of my attic and the items get another chance to bring someone else some joy.

Brad and Cole drove 12 1/2 hours today and finally stopped to spend the night in Hattiesburg, MS.  A short six hour drive tomorrow will have them home early afternoon.  I cannot wait to see them....seems so long since we were all together.

After a glass of wine, a Hallmark movie about a dog (made me cry!) and my pj's on, I am definitely ready for bed.  

Did you get anything accomplished today?

"I have no greater joy than this; to hear that my children are living according to the truth."

~3 John 1:4

The Ewing B & BLDR

We have turned the Ewing house into the Ewing Bed & Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner for Recuperation.

First, I am very happy to report that Spencer is feeling SO MUCH BETTER!  Praise the Lord, he looks good.  I am so glad I took him to the doctor Tuesday.  I also think because he has been well so long and because he has gotten so much stronger physically that his body was better prepared to fight the illness.  Whatever, I am just thankful to see those sparkling eyes this morning.

Yesterday, Gigi (who is 89 years young) had surgery on her foot to remove an extra bone.  She has bathroom and bed privileges but that is it so she came over here so I could keep an eye on her.  Just like all women in our family, she tends to do things she is not supposed to!  We put her in Spencer's old wheelchair and she is wheeling herself all over the house (I'm so glad my husband had the foresight to make all our hallways and doorways wheelchair accessible).  This morning she is folding clothes.  Hey, we make you work here for your food!

The boys are accomplishing a lot on their quick trip to Florida.  Habitat for Humanity is there today picking up the furniture that Brad is not bringing back.  I am so thankful that a worthwhile agency will be able to use Nana's household goods.

Last night the boys visited our favorite seafood restaurant, Chuck's.  Cole has decided he likes raw oysters.

I have just one word for that....YUCK! 

They will leave Saturday and should be home sometime Sunday afternoon.

How do you like my "friend" I met yesterday on my run?

I think he is one of the good guys but honestly, I didn't stick around to ask him.

Now if I can just get used to the heat and humidity...living in California has made me soft!

"The Lord takes delight in his faithful followers, and in those who wait for His loyal love."

~Psalm 147:11

Being a parent is not for sissies

Did you ever read the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting"?  I devoured two editions while I was pregnant with each of my boys.  The original version I read when I was pregnant with Spencer and the revised edition for Cole.  It was a wealth of knowledge on everything from the changes your body will go through during pregnancy to changing your babies first diaper.  But no where in any of the editions I read did it even come close to preparing you for how extremely difficult being a parent is mentally.

I remember my biggest fear when the boys were young was that I wouldn't be able to clean their noses (I am totally grossed out by noses) or handle if one of them got hurt.  My brother was always getting hurt and requiring stitches for one reason or another and my thought was if my children were accident prone like Dwayne, then I was in big trouble.

Spencer is 16 and Cole is 14 and my fear of being able to heal hurts and illnesses are giving way to being able to offer Godly advice and lift their spirits when they need it the most.  Being a teenager these days is so much tougher than when I grew up and, especially, when our parents or grandparents were growing up.

How do I respond when Cole asks what God has planned for him?  I admit to him that I honestly wonder about the same thing sometimes for me and then we talk about listening to God's voice through our quiet time and prayer.

What do I say when Spencer tells me that every morning he asks himself two questions..."One, am I going to be able to provide for myself by making a living, being able to live on my own and go places on my own?  And, two, how much more can my body take?"  I assure him that of course he will be able to be independent and that God does not guarantee us a set amount of time on this earth so we have to make the best of the short stay we have and do the best we can.

He goes to bed and I sit on the floor and cry.

Does it get easier?  I like to hope so but I doubt it.  Will I be better prepared for the next tough question that is asked of me?  Mmmm, probably not.  Would I trade my life with anyone else?  Absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt, NO.  I know I am right where God wants me to be.

Any of you ever have one of these days?

"Grandchildren are like a crown to the elderly, and the glory of children is their parents."

~Proverbs 17:6