Doubt. One of the most destructive words in my vocabulary. I sometimes let Doubt ruin so many things: a beautiful day, a trusted friendship or more often, my self-esteem. Lately, Doubt has made his way into my head and stayed there over an area that troubles me more than anything else. My son, Spencer.
I think I know what happened. Everything was going so well that I got lax in my prayer time about the specifics that God wants me to talk to Him about. All my fears, frustrations and most importantly, Doubt.
I can't put my finger on exactly when it happened. All I know is one morning I woke up with total PANIC in my heart over all the things Spencer can not do. The list was running through my mind like a ticker-tape and would not stop. I was gripped with so much doubt that I started sweating and got sick to my stomach. My old friend Doubt was back and was making himself at home.
For weeks, I have treated Doubt like a bad boyfriend. I let him in and then I'll kick him out; back and forth the see-saw goes. I'll spend quiet time in prayer and feel better and an hour later, I'm holding hands with Doubt and making plans to spend the day with him.
Of course, Spencer is oblivious to my relationship with Doubt. As usual, Mr. Amazing Spencer is making plans on hanging out here in Little Rock this summer and finding a summer job. He thinks this is only logical because all 16-year-olds have jobs. And not only is he actively seeking a job but he is excited about it. Doubt does not camp out at Spencer's doorstep.
Today, Spencer had an ENT appointment with Dr. Richter to follow up on his laryngel reinvervation surgery that he had last November. Dr. Richter told us at the time of surgery that most patients see improvement in the quality of their voice within the first 2-3 months and definitely by 6 months out. To Brad and I, we really have seen no improvement.
Of course, Doubt was waiting for me when I woke up this morning, he ran with me during my morning run and was standing beside me as we sat in the examination room. All the frustrations of Spencer not having a strong voice and not being able to eat bubbled to the surface and as the Resident was asking questions about our appointment, I started crying. Not just a tear or two but full on, waterworks galore with my nose pouring and heaving as well. One minute I was fine and the next I was using hand towels to mop at my face and shirt. The Resident was startled and clearly did not know what to do; Spencer ignored me and kept answering the questions.
Dr. Richter decided to scope Spencer (through his nose) to see the surgery site where he connected the new nerve to Spencer's paralyzed vocal cord. As we are waiting for the numbing agent to take effect, I suddenly felt this overwhelming peace. I sat and watched Spencer talk with the doctor and the resident and I saw, for the first time in a long time, what an amazing young man he has become. He is so at ease with these professionals and always puts those around him at ease. He is funny, articulate and patient. God has already used him to make a difference in so many people's lives and will continue to do so.
I just ask God to show us a glimmer of hope as a result of the surgery. Something positive. Anything.
As Dr. Richter is looking at the surgical site, you hear a catch in his voice and then he gets so excited. On the monitor you could see the right vocal cord that was previously paralyzed, is moving! Not a lot but there is definite movement. Dr. Richter had everyone coming in to look at it and they were all amazed.
What this all means, well, we just have to wait and see. Dr. Richter said that obviously Spencer's body is taking longer to respond to the surgery because of the extent of his damage and the number of years the vocal cord has been paralyzed. We have an appointment to see him again in December to re-evaulate.
I L-O-V-E when I lock Doubt outside the door and trust God. He always come through.
When we got in the car, Spencer said, "Mom, do you want to know my philosophy on expectations? Keep your expectations low and when something happens, you are surprised. If you don't expect anything, you can't be disappointed when it doesn't happen."
I am thanking God tonight for our glimmer of hope and for trusting me enough to be Spencer and Cole's mom. And I am working on making my relationship with Doubt non-existent.
"That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life - whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to Him that they are?"
~Matthew 6:25-26
I think I know what happened. Everything was going so well that I got lax in my prayer time about the specifics that God wants me to talk to Him about. All my fears, frustrations and most importantly, Doubt.
I can't put my finger on exactly when it happened. All I know is one morning I woke up with total PANIC in my heart over all the things Spencer can not do. The list was running through my mind like a ticker-tape and would not stop. I was gripped with so much doubt that I started sweating and got sick to my stomach. My old friend Doubt was back and was making himself at home.
For weeks, I have treated Doubt like a bad boyfriend. I let him in and then I'll kick him out; back and forth the see-saw goes. I'll spend quiet time in prayer and feel better and an hour later, I'm holding hands with Doubt and making plans to spend the day with him.
Of course, Spencer is oblivious to my relationship with Doubt. As usual, Mr. Amazing Spencer is making plans on hanging out here in Little Rock this summer and finding a summer job. He thinks this is only logical because all 16-year-olds have jobs. And not only is he actively seeking a job but he is excited about it. Doubt does not camp out at Spencer's doorstep.
Today, Spencer had an ENT appointment with Dr. Richter to follow up on his laryngel reinvervation surgery that he had last November. Dr. Richter told us at the time of surgery that most patients see improvement in the quality of their voice within the first 2-3 months and definitely by 6 months out. To Brad and I, we really have seen no improvement.
Of course, Doubt was waiting for me when I woke up this morning, he ran with me during my morning run and was standing beside me as we sat in the examination room. All the frustrations of Spencer not having a strong voice and not being able to eat bubbled to the surface and as the Resident was asking questions about our appointment, I started crying. Not just a tear or two but full on, waterworks galore with my nose pouring and heaving as well. One minute I was fine and the next I was using hand towels to mop at my face and shirt. The Resident was startled and clearly did not know what to do; Spencer ignored me and kept answering the questions.
Dr. Richter decided to scope Spencer (through his nose) to see the surgery site where he connected the new nerve to Spencer's paralyzed vocal cord. As we are waiting for the numbing agent to take effect, I suddenly felt this overwhelming peace. I sat and watched Spencer talk with the doctor and the resident and I saw, for the first time in a long time, what an amazing young man he has become. He is so at ease with these professionals and always puts those around him at ease. He is funny, articulate and patient. God has already used him to make a difference in so many people's lives and will continue to do so.
I just ask God to show us a glimmer of hope as a result of the surgery. Something positive. Anything.
As Dr. Richter is looking at the surgical site, you hear a catch in his voice and then he gets so excited. On the monitor you could see the right vocal cord that was previously paralyzed, is moving! Not a lot but there is definite movement. Dr. Richter had everyone coming in to look at it and they were all amazed.
What this all means, well, we just have to wait and see. Dr. Richter said that obviously Spencer's body is taking longer to respond to the surgery because of the extent of his damage and the number of years the vocal cord has been paralyzed. We have an appointment to see him again in December to re-evaulate.
I L-O-V-E when I lock Doubt outside the door and trust God. He always come through.
When we got in the car, Spencer said, "Mom, do you want to know my philosophy on expectations? Keep your expectations low and when something happens, you are surprised. If you don't expect anything, you can't be disappointed when it doesn't happen."
I am thanking God tonight for our glimmer of hope and for trusting me enough to be Spencer and Cole's mom. And I am working on making my relationship with Doubt non-existent.
"That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life - whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to Him that they are?"
~Matthew 6:25-26
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